I knew that I wanted to follow my Mexican traditions when I got married in 2012 which was to keep my maiden name after my married name. I love my husband to moon and back but I have always stood my ground with the feelings of self worth and self identity. No man owns me and I know who I am and where I came from. I own me.
I was born in Tampico, Tamaulipas Mexico which is Northeast of Mexico and South of Texas. Fun fact I was almost born in Texas! My mom was in Texas when she started having contractions with me, she could have gone to a nearby hospital but she decided to go back to Mexico. In her own words “it wouldn’t have been right”, this makes me feel that she knew the benefits of having a child in the USA but somehow felt it was incorrect to birth a child there just to claim American citizenship. I am so glad I was born in Mexico because I love saying I’m Mexican.
If you too love saying you’re Mexican (or wherever you’re from) this article is for you! Chances are you are married or about to get married and are blowing up the internet with all your burning questions. And one of those questions are if you should or if it’s okey to keep your maiden name after marriage. In all seriousness this is an important step in your life and you should decide for yourself.
Let’s start with some history first. How and why do women in the US just drop their last name right after saying “I do”? Where did it all began? It became a practice a by the 1600’s and then it grew bigger by 1765 with English Common Law that basically said that once a woman was married she was expected to be under the authority AND identity of her husband, hence the taking of the last name. This law denied women of having their own identity and in fact comes from a legal standpoint of coverture; which in simple terms means under the protection AND authority of the husband but it goes far beyond that. I would like to fully disclose its meaning. According to Wikipedia “Coverture (sometimes spelled couverture) was a legal doctrine in the English common law in which a married woman’s legal existence was considered to be merged with that of her husband, so that she had no independent legal existence of her own. Upon marriage, coverture provided that a woman became a, whose legal rights and obligations were mostly subsumed by those of her husband.” I don’t know about you but that just seems so brutally demeaning to me.
In recent times women change their last names for other reasons (all reasons are valid if the decision was informed) some are to make things easier when bearing children, to create a unity with their husbands, to just make life easier and others change their last name because it’s a family expectation or simply because it’s cute. However it is a personal choice. You do have the right to choose what you want to do after marriage. So, whether to drop your maiden name all together and take on his or put the two together – you can do it. It is really is up to you as to how you want to create your new family’s identity! This is the fun part (however be sure to talk to your fiance before the wedding, this will avoid all unpleasant surprises. If things are talked about with mutual understanding things can go a lot smoother later AND without any outside family members’ unsolicited advice of any sorts, you’re welcome!)
I am not at all saying changing the last name is wrong or that it shouldn’t be done however, the real reasoning as to why women had to do it in the first place bothers me. We now do it for other reasons or we opt to have the husband’s and wife’s family names both equally represented and that is okay too. In my my case, my husband and I chose to represent both families, his and mine. Making our family known as The DeGroff Piñon Family. Old history on Mexican married last names also bothered me because it quite literally translated to the husband ‘owning’ his wife… Let me try to explain. Let’s say a Luis Gonsalez was getting married to a Maria Lopez in Mexican culture the wife would be called Maria De Gonsalez Lopez. “De” means “of” so in English that translates to Maria of Gonzales Lopez. I don’t like that either. I am not sure when things changed in Mexico but in modern days both parents’ last name are always acknowledged and this is why every Mexican you know has two last names. The father’s last name goes first and then the mother’s last name goes second without a hyphen.
This is how my husband and I chose to do it. It felt right to equally represent our families and it made me feel like I wasn’t losing my identity after marriage. My last name means so much to me, it means where I came from, who I came from and my ancestors beautiful and imperfect journey. My last name is more than just a last name, it is a piece of code that was given to me that unlocks the past! The past always has history and stories to be told and I didn’t want to lose mine by not ever saying my last name again after I got married. It was important to me to not forget.
Whatever you decide, that’s the correct answer to your questions. Do what feels right for you but do it without the outside noise! You will be making many choices with your husband so I would suggest getting comfortable to feel safe to talk to him about anything. At first everything is hard, don’t worry you won’t stay there forever!
All of my best wishes to you both!
-Ruth