Our December started on the wrong side of the bed, as they say… Things escalated quickly, but before I dive into the details, I think it’s important to share some backstory.
When I became a mother in 2014, I was the happiest girl on the planet—I had always wanted to be a mom! The arrival of Bella made me feel complete. But not long after bringing her home, things got hard. I shed many first-time mom tears, and even now, I still do.
As Bella grew older, I cried for different reasons: confusion, guilt, embarrassment. I worried about her behavior in public and often found myself wondering, Could she be bipolar? Is she going to grow up angry, lazy, or an unfair person? The questions were endless. Since she was very little, Bella’s mood, mindset, and outlook have always been like a swing—constantly moving and never still.
There are beautiful days where everything feels good, but we never know when she’ll decide to do her own thing or blow us off. Over the years, one thing has become crystal clear to me: her heart is kind, but sometimes she makes poor decisions—and that’s okay.
However, I don’t subscribe to “gentle parenting” and never had since before it was a well-known phrase, it doesn’t feel right for me and the unique needs of my children. I am very protective of their heart! This means that I recognize when everything must stop because my girls need me, my love and my undivided attention. But I strongly believe in addressing issues immediately and ensuring my kids experience consequences when they cross a line. This brings us to today’s blog post: a raw reflection on how I, as an adult and a mother, make poor decisions too—and how these moments have led to deep, meaningful realizations about my kids’ futures.
December 1, 2024
It was a Sunday. Jordan went to run a candle market while I stayed home to get some things done. Earlier, he had arranged for Emma’s friend’s mom to pick up the girls for church around 9:30 AM. (I haven’t been to church in years, so they attend with Jordan.) But since he was going to do a market he arranged someone to pick them up.
I woke up to Bella and Emma arguing—again. Their bickering has become a familiar morning soundtrack in our house since Emma learned to talk. I don’t care who’s older; I care about who’s being unkind and hurtful toward someone else. And unfortunately, more often than not, it’s Bella taking things too far with Emma.
“JUST GO DO IT!” Bella yelled, waking me up abruptly. I rushed to the living room, ready to intervene. Emma was massaging her upper arm, and both girls were sitting on the couch.
I asked Bella, “Did you hit her?” My frustration was bubbling, and I wanted to snap, but I managed to remain calm. I sat next to Emma and asked them to explain what happened.
Bella, visibly moody, said she had asked Emma to open the windows, but Emma had just asked for help tying her shoes just a few seconds prior. Bella refused to help, Emma got upset, and Bella escalated by punching Emma in the arm while yelling, “Just go do it!”
I talked to them about how to handle cranky feelings without hurting each other. I reminded Bella, “It’s never okay to hit your sister just because she won’t do you a favor.” She rolled her eyes, which triggered me a little, but I held my composure.
“This isn’t the first time we’ve talked about this,” I said. “Clearly, simple conversations aren’t working. Starting today, there will be bigger consequences. I’m taking away your sticker chart, and you’ll have to start over.”
“That’s not fair! That was a lot of work!” she protested.
“What’s never fair,” I replied, “is treating Emma the way you do sometimes.”
We finished the conversation, but I didn’t make Bella apologize. I’ve been trying to give my girls the space to process and reflect on their actions instead of forcing apologies right after a heated moment.
During the last few words we were having, Soli woke up, and I heard her usual little wake-up noise—not a full cry. I told Bella, “Please don’t get the baby” as she got up from the couch.
Still in a mood, Bella said, “I’m going to my room.” I stayed back with Emma to give her some attention.
“Let me do your hair” I told Emma. We needed a brush and water bottle, so I told her to go get it from their room to which Emma replied “Bella has it” I said “Then go ask her to let you borrow it for a moment”, she went to the room to grab the water bottle. She came back empty-handed, and I immediately knew: Bella had ignored me and picked up the baby.
I lost it.
I stormed into the room and saw Bella holding Soli. For some, this might seem like a sweet gesture. But for me, it was yet another instance of Bella ignoring my direct request—something she has done countless times with Soli, from waking her up during naps to saying, “She was already awake!” when I know she wasn’t and other pleads that involve baby safety.
I snapped.
We must know when to apologize to our children
When Bella and Emma came back from church later that day, I talked to Bella and asked for her forgiveness. I cried and explained that I’m doing my best to meet all my daughters’ unique needs. “No one is above anyone,” I told her, “and I would do the same for you if someone were unkind to you.”
I asked her, “Do you see yourself hitting the baby one day just because she’s not doing what you want?”
“No,” she replied.
“Emma was that little once, too,” I said. “It hurts me to see you hurt her, and it hurts me to hurt you, too. You were that little once too, and I want you to remember kindness as you grow please.” You are growing too fast and as you grow I would want you to resort to kindness whenever you possibly can! I am doing my very best to validate your needs too because they are and you are very important to me! I love you with all of my heart mamach!! (crying) I am so sorry for this morning!… It’s just that ______…..” ( I quickly had a thought at the same time I was talking and felt I should not say it because it may have a negative impact in her future and this is what I wanted to say, that full disclosure I have said it once before and that was probably why I stopped myself and did not say it again) “It’s just that you don’t listen to me!” This is why I didn’t say that: Because I don’t want her to grow up thinking she needs to ‘listen’ to someone specifically a romantic partner and do what they say 100% of the time to receive love, understanding and acceptance. The thought of omitting that was so powerful that I just hugged her and didn’t say anymore… We both cried and hugged for the longest time ever! And let me tell you that moment was soooo powerful.
A Sweet Surprise!
That evening, while getting ready for bed, Bella said the most magical thing:
“I just want to tell you, you, and you” (pointing to me, Jordan, and Emma) “that I’m sorry.”
I asked her, “Do you know what you’re apologizing for and to who exactly you are apologizing to?”
She nodded and said, “Yes, to Emma, for hitting her.”
Then she stood in front of Emma and added, “I am sorry for hitting you, for always being cranky with you, for always asking you for favors, I realized that I always say no to you when you ask me for a favor and that sometimes I ask you to give me something when you need a favor or sometimes I just ask you to give me something so I can do a favor for you, and I don’t like that about myself”
(Insert the two eye emoji here) THAT came out of absolutely NOWHERE. I was speechless. They hugged after the apology and it was a very sweet moment to witness!
We are an imperfect family, imperfect parents and children, but every day, we try to guide our daughters based on the circumstance at hand the best we possibly can. We teach kindness, consideration, respect, reflection and accountability. Most importantly, as a mother, I constantly reflect on how to guide my children without repeating my own childhood struggles, ensuring they grow up with the tools to create a brighter future.
